death's clever enormous voice
which hides in a fragility
- ee cummings
the doctor mercifully came and sylvia, who was struggling to stay alive with her last troubled breaths, was sent to be with her mother and Mother.
it was so very hard to see her so confused and lost in pain. i was loathe to leave her but it's been my experience, despite my obvious discomfort in seeing her hurt and struggling, that they tend to hang on if their human is around. she so needed to go. the vet seems to think she may have had a stroke due to the condition of her heart -especially seeing how when she went in for surgery several months ago her heart was fine. i tried staying in another room but i felt so bad leaving her by herself. the rest of the girls went in at intervals to check on her. it was almost as if they had a visting schedule set up. one after the other they all came in, looked and left . nixe is beside herself and has been sitting shiva. she seems to be implying i had something to do with this. the torties had grown so very attached to the 2 older cats. we've just had too much death and illness. we all feel the loss.
nixe is my new familiar and already she thinks i need major renovations before she'll officially accept that role.
brown is going to be very put out by this. she's the last of my 6 original babies and her and sylvia have been clinging to each other since the passing of persia. they had all been togther since the early 1990s.
sylvia was the rock- the sort of strong silent type to her momma's alpha mother. like her mother, i have trouble recalling if i ever heard her growl. she has never once scratched me and i have never seen her fighting with any of my other cats. she could have walked through a hurricane and not a fur would be out of place. unflappable. both her and persia were oddly tempered for torties- neither high strung nor bitchy. saving them when they were thrown away by their previous owner was one of the luckiest, happiest days of my life. no one has ever had such sweet and loving cats. they were extraordinary. i feel the loss of persia every day. losing her daughter too now although unavoidable is leaving me more lost myself then i have felt in quite some time.
when i heard that that horrible excuse for a person had dumped persia and sylvia in a cardboard box outside some unspecified shelter in the boston area, i had a group of my friends fan out in the city to find them. i couldn't get off work and was very scared no one would believe the story that we'd been trying to rescue the two cats for months and that their owner was a fucking psycho attention whore whose boyfriend was actually wanting to be her girlfriend and preferred to be called ' emily'. this was before everyone had cell phones so in their mad dashes around the city no one was in contact with anyone else. i rushed home from work hoping someone had at least found out where they were. i didn't dare dream they'd actually brought them home because you have to do all that get your landlord's ok crap. when i ripped opened the door, and my roommate and a friend where standing there, i was nearly screaming.
"did you find them? did you find them?".
i guess i startled everyone because they just stared at me being hysterical and then, slowly, sylvia came walking around the corner and into my view. falling to my knees, i started balling. i kept telling myself-"ok they found only one of them- that's good , that's ok..." and then persia came sauntering along after her daughter. i of course dissolved in a flood of waterworks promising my roommate that i'd try to find them new homes and that i had just wanted to save them. i was worried i was piling on the cats thick and deep and it wasn't fair to her.
she just said," but theyre so cute! we have to keep them!"
i will never forget sylvia calmly and deliberately walking toward me into the foyer that day. deep within my core, i know that although i say i saved them it's really the other way around. thank you my secret snowshoe baby. please say hello to your mother but please don't tell her about the new persian...we know how sensitive and jealous the "femme pussees" are.