mr. mittens (akmed) wrote,
mr. mittens

" fire walk with me"

so basically, alice is dying. i have not been good. in fact, i have been miserably depressed and hopeless.chronic renal failure is just that- chronic. you do not get better from it. i have to jab her in the neck scruff everyday and give her fluids under the skin. this keeps her hydrated and helps flush the toxins out of her kidneys as they can no longer do it on their own.

here's what i have to do:

she has been so good about it, tolerating my fumbled ,screwed up first attempts at getting the needle into her. she's a dear. i know this helps her but seeing her suffering or scared is more heart wrenching than i can bare to describe. i do not know if i am doing the right thing keeping her alive like this. i'm just praying she will let me know when it's time to go-or that Co or Persia will come and take her with them.

right before persia died i had a dream. i wrote about it here. a young, slick , and healthy Co appeared. she had come to get a grey cat-to take her away. when i awoke, i knew the grey cat was Persia- and she died soon after. right before alice started showing signs of severe illness( all of a sudden-quite common in crf cats)i had another cat dream. in this one i was walking by a cemetery in a post apocalyptic boston. there was a tabby cat wandering around the tombs and i thought- 'hey that's alice, wandering around death'. 2 days later she stopped eating.

as an aside but just as horrible as all my cat trauma-i've been having apocalyptic dreams about boston( specifically downtown) and allston for several years now-predating 9/11. the truth is i have been considering leaving the area for quite some time. i don't feel there is anything for me here anymore and the dreams disturb me. i am not sure where i want to go. i am having a very hard time seeing a future right now. it is a dangerous thing-it is a place i have been before and very nearly did not return from. the map of it , how to get there and not return, is on my left arm.

did i mention how miserable i feel? having to lance the poor cat, my baby, in the neck every day with a rather large bore needle is unnerving. it becomes easier each day but it tears at me. if she cannot tolerate even this attempt to keep her going-i'll have to have her-uh- i can't even type it. i call her my baby- but she's around 17 years old. persia was diagnosed as chronically ill last august. she died in feb. then brown went into respiratory distress and then she OD'd on her heart meds. then sylvia ripped her claw open. now alice. both harriot and sylvia seem stabilized-they're doing fine. the outlook for alice is not so good.

i foolishly thought i made my peace with death. but she's the hunter and we're just the game, foxes run down by her hounds. i feel loss and guilt- like there's a thing i can do about it. i have nagging thoughts about why all this is happening to me and them now. i have no control over these things-still the arrogance that my world spins around me prevails.

just as during persia's illness, i have been sleeping a lot. it's my sick cat induced coma- the only path to vision and reality i have found in all of this. i have noticed several things, besides the 'dreams'.

cats want to die near where you sleep. when i was sleeping in the bedroom-they died in there( Co and Maggie- one near , one under the bed). when i started sleeping in the living room, persia died under the futon/couch. each of them sat by the front door on numerous occasions- quite uncommon for them all- as if that was the way out of this life and that is the direction they all faced when they died.

i just want alice to be granted peace. i'm trying to be strong for her but i feel so frail emotionally- a fragility that matches her physical weakness. they've been by best friends for the last 2 decades. to some i suppose they're just cats, only pets. but to me they've been stability and love. they have never let me down. i am trying desperately to find the strength to see them through to where they need to go, when they need to go. all these illnesses at once just make me feel as if i've failed them all miserably. often the overwhelming feeling is simply that i just do not know what to do. i'm standing still, daftly on the sidelines, while everything is dropping around me. guiltily, i feel that if she'd just die, in my black hours, i will thankfully have peace for myself and i hate the selfishness of the thought. it has been financially draining and i feel shame for even considering the money.

i'm so lost. it's hard to imagine i can help them at all- i am barely dragging myself forward at this time. the torties carefully watch me tending to alice. they seem to understand that i am trying to help her. they've been watching her like hawks and watching me with something that appears to be an opening of trust. they too have been very well behaved through all this cat illness-concerned and solicitous. that they are such amazing creatures, however, is what makes their passing all the more difficult for me. i've never once regretted placing my trust in them-showing them my wounds and weaknesses. they have never taken advantage. they have always forgiven me my many faults.

i am trying to do the right thing but what if that thing is really nothing - nothing with the sum of your past deeds stacked behind it? death isn't evil or 'wrong', we are, blaming mythological fabrications, other humans, and philosophical concepts for the vile things we ourselves do. like the new, sleek ,full of life dead Co, we walk through the fires of our own fears and failings , hopefully renewed from the dull grey shadows and ash of this mortal weakness by the fires of the submission to awareness.

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