this didn't have to be. i didn't have to be; but i am and he fucked up in so profound a way i'm left wondering if i'll ever get beyond IT and him. i'm 40 fucking years old and i can't trust a soul. i'm colder than death and i don't give a fuck about anything, nearly, save my cats and being left alone. have i fucked you over? blame philip eugene .
"No tongue in the bell
And the fishwives yell
But they might as well be mute
So you get to keep the pictures
That don't seem like much.."
one of my cats , 'Co, is nearly 20 years old. she has trouble cleaning herself and needs to be helped to jump up . she is really, really needy- she has to be at me constantly or she freaks out. it's not easy. i work a lot and have 4 other cats who need attention. it's easy to get angry with her when she's just trying to be near me- she gets cold, she needs to be reassured. however, when i plucked her off the street- prospect street in cambridge to be exact- i took responsibility for a creature who needed care and nurturing . before we whip our dicks out and wave our snatches around and have babies can we please fucking think about it for 2 fucking seconds? we live in a society that discards responsibility for human children as if we are tossing out soda cans. i fucking loathe children but am constantly appalled at how they're treated by their loving parents. if our society seems on the brink of apocalypso it's not the fault of democrats or republicans or tv or violent movies-it's people not taking responsibility for the results of their indiscriminate fucking and their inability to rear their progeny responsibly.
my parents were actually married before i was conceived, however, they were 2 incredibly narcissistic people- actually they were both quite beautiful. bringing a child into their festival of needy, pain-filled self-love at odds with obsession was a bad idea. she became a passive victim and he became a drug dealer and an abusive addict. mr. mittens became a statistic. none of my friends in high school came from 'nuclear' families. we were the generation born of the baby boomers who got divorced at outrageous rates( if they even got married). i feel like one of those Manson kids the cops filmed wandering around the Spahn Ranch during the bust-we're a fucking mess and our parents never grew up. did we have a fucking chance?.
i'm not one for being a whiney fucking bitch. i'm still alive, remarkably, but time has given me the wisdom i actually vainly thought i had at 20-the disaster of my parents and the tragedy of both their upbringings has been detrimental to my functioning and nearly ended my life. whereas my mother, at least, stayed in my life after implosion, philip fucking pussied out. any contact he has attempted since 1974 has been filtered through my ineffective mother and devoid of any means of contacting him- because he's a fucking pussy who did exactly to me what his father did to him-abandonment. how he hated his father, who left his life at 4. i was 10. what do kids under 5 remember? all i have to do is look in a mirror and recall the torture your in-laws put me through for 15 years.
it's one thing to wonder if some trick likes you or even loves you but to spend your life wondering if your own father even gives 2 fucks about you...
" did you think i wouldn't recognize/ this compromise...?"
philip worked for CTI-Cryogenic Technology Inc. in Waltham MA( actually not far from where i work now on 128). CTI was bought out sometime in the 80s by Helix. in the 70s they worked on the materials and painting of the alaska pipeline.now,as some might recall, cryogenics have a very lucrative and important application in the making of silicon chips and microprocessors.phil seems to have gotten very, very bougie, bougie bourgeois. my mother, who was and is not a greedy woman, did not attempt to fleece him in the divorce-he was going through drug rehab at the time. he disappeared before the decree was final , sending a vague note about leaving i have never been shown.CTI, as it had done before for other employees, transfered phil to europe and africa to ' protect' him from paying a court ordered 10.00 per week for my maintenance.
i spend more on one cat in a week.
to just think of it that bluntly- i spend more money on a goddamn fucking pet than my father was willing to pay out to feed and cloth his only child. i was not even worth fucking dog food for a week.
i should point out that my mother didn't go after him for non payment of child support until he had disappeared- a disappearance he himself announced.the measly 10 bucks he couldn't drag away from his getting high fund was compounded due to his own actions. his vague attempts to ' contact' me through the years- particularly when his vicious( she once beat him over the head with a cast iron frying pan for coming home several minutes late when he was 18. before that she spent his childhood shuttling him into the foster homes where he was abused) bitch dyke mother was dying- like i'd give a fuck about that biddy-are marked with a near hysterical fear that i will ask for money, which i know he has and i have never asked for- although it's hard to ask anyone for anything or even forgive them for their abuse when they don't offer you a way to contact them.
apparently he found jesus.. again.funny how that jew is always getting lost on whitey...
... and AA or NA- his typed letter to me in 1990 reads like 2nd year in AA. oh yeah- blame your higher power, bitch. you really are fucking gay. once in your life, be a man for fuck's sake and own up..ok? you cant ask for forgiveness in absentia . maybe that dweeb jesus finds that shit acceptable but i think it's the actions of a coward who become everything he loathed in a man and acted it out on a child. all i wanted was a dad who could send a card on my birthday or take me to a hockey game or teach me to drive. how much does that cost? under 10 bills even now with inflation, asshole.
and now it's too fucking late isn't it? you're fucking dead, arent you? in a manner you were dead to me anyway so if i'm crying now, you should know, it's for myself. i think, at least, i'm worth the tears.
" It's the judgement of the moon and stars
Your solitary path..."