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"judgement of the moon and stars"
lounge act
so it seems that after much witchy speculation, something may have really happened to my father. ambivalent doesn't even begin to describe how i feel about this. i feel released- relief. of course, my mother's family is hysterical about it- my answering machine that never, by the way, gives out answers from mr. mittens, is filled to the brim with speculation. i'm filled with" whatever, bitch. i have a judgement against you that has enough interest on it to fist fuck your estate out of whoever you left it to." once a judgement is rendered by the court- there is no statute of limitations, tool.

this didn't have to be. i didn't have to be; but i am and he fucked up in so profound a way i'm left wondering if i'll ever get beyond IT and him. i'm 40 fucking years old and i can't trust a soul. i'm colder than death and i don't give a fuck about anything, nearly, save my cats and being left alone. have i fucked you over? blame philip eugene .

"No tongue in the bell
And the fishwives yell
But they might as well be mute
So you get to keep the pictures
That don't seem like much.."

one of my cats , 'Co, is nearly 20 years old. she has trouble cleaning herself and needs to be helped to jump up . she is really, really needy- she has to be at me constantly or she freaks out. it's not easy. i work a lot and have 4 other cats who need attention. it's easy to get angry with her when she's just trying to be near me- she gets cold, she needs to be reassured. however, when i plucked her off the street- prospect street in cambridge to be exact- i took responsibility for a creature who needed care and nurturing . before we whip our dicks out and wave our snatches around and have babies can we please fucking think about it for 2 fucking seconds? we live in a society that discards responsibility for human children as if we are tossing out soda cans. i fucking loathe children but am constantly appalled at how they're treated by their loving parents. if our society seems on the brink of apocalypso it's not the fault of democrats or republicans or tv or violent movies-it's people not taking responsibility for the results of their indiscriminate fucking and their inability to rear their progeny responsibly.

my parents were actually married before i was conceived, however, they were 2 incredibly narcissistic people- actually they were both quite beautiful. bringing a child into their festival of needy, pain-filled self-love at odds with obsession was a bad idea. she became a passive victim and he became a drug dealer and an abusive addict. mr. mittens became a statistic. none of my friends in high school came from 'nuclear' families. we were the generation born of the baby boomers who got divorced at outrageous rates( if they even got married). i feel like one of those Manson kids the cops filmed wandering around the Spahn Ranch during the bust-we're a fucking mess and our parents never grew up. did we have a fucking chance?.

i'm not one for being a whiney fucking bitch. i'm still alive, remarkably, but time has given me the wisdom i actually vainly thought i had at 20-the disaster of my parents and the tragedy of both their upbringings has been detrimental to my functioning and nearly ended my life. whereas my mother, at least, stayed in my life after implosion, philip fucking pussied out. any contact he has attempted since 1974 has been filtered through my ineffective mother and devoid of any means of contacting him- because he's a fucking pussy who did exactly to me what his father did to him-abandonment. how he hated his father, who left his life at 4. i was 10. what do kids under 5 remember? all i have to do is look in a mirror and recall the torture your in-laws put me through for 15 years.

it's one thing to wonder if some trick likes you or even loves you but to spend your life wondering if your own father even gives 2 fucks about you...

" did you think i wouldn't recognize/ this compromise...?"

philip worked for CTI-Cryogenic Technology Inc. in Waltham MA( actually not far from where i work now on 128). CTI was bought out sometime in the 80s by Helix. in the 70s they worked on the materials and painting of the alaska pipeline.now,as some might recall, cryogenics have a very lucrative and important application in the making of silicon chips and microprocessors.phil seems to have gotten very, very bougie, bougie bourgeois. my mother, who was and is not a greedy woman, did not attempt to fleece him in the divorce-he was going through drug rehab at the time. he disappeared before the decree was final , sending a vague note about leaving i have never been shown.CTI, as it had done before for other employees, transfered phil to europe and africa to ' protect' him from paying a court ordered 10.00 per week for my maintenance.

i spend more on one cat in a week.

to just think of it that bluntly- i spend more money on a goddamn fucking pet than my father was willing to pay out to feed and cloth his only child. i was not even worth fucking dog food for a week.

i should point out that my mother didn't go after him for non payment of child support until he had disappeared- a disappearance he himself announced.the measly 10 bucks he couldn't drag away from his getting high fund was compounded due to his own actions. his vague attempts to ' contact' me through the years- particularly when his vicious( she once beat him over the head with a cast iron frying pan for coming home several minutes late when he was 18. before that she spent his childhood shuttling him into the foster homes where he was abused) bitch dyke mother was dying- like i'd give a fuck about that biddy-are marked with a near hysterical fear that i will ask for money, which i know he has and i have never asked for- although it's hard to ask anyone for anything or even forgive them for their abuse when they don't offer you a way to contact them.

apparently he found jesus.. again.funny how that jew is always getting lost on whitey...

... and AA or NA- his typed letter to me in 1990 reads like 2nd year in AA. oh yeah- blame your higher power, bitch. you really are fucking gay. once in your life, be a man for fuck's sake and own up..ok? you cant ask for forgiveness in absentia . maybe that dweeb jesus finds that shit acceptable but i think it's the actions of a coward who become everything he loathed in a man and acted it out on a child. all i wanted was a dad who could send a card on my birthday or take me to a hockey game or teach me to drive. how much does that cost? under 10 bills even now with inflation, asshole.

and now it's too fucking late isn't it? you're fucking dead, arent you? in a manner you were dead to me anyway so if i'm crying now, you should know, it's for myself. i think, at least, i'm worth the tears.

" It's the judgement of the moon and stars
Your solitary path..."

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I don't really know what to say but I agree with most of what you say.

I'll probably feel the same ambivalence when my father passes.

(Deleted comment)
the levels of abuse both of my parents experienced as children was quite profound. although i feel they came by their own particular dysfunctions 'honestly', that's still still no excuse for what ended up happening to me. by running from their responsibilities they created an ever deepening chasm it was found to be convenient to dump me in.

what's most distressing at this point in time-now that theyre older and should have learned SOMETHING from all this misery and blind fear-is that neither one has evinced an iota of awareness of the morass they created for me to try and dig out of. theyre the blonde beautiful aryan queens of hit and fucking run. all it would have taken was a word or two that it would have taken a nano second to utter to breach this abyss-and to this day, 30 goddamn years later he's still running, his family is still hedging for him and he still hasnt grown a set of balls. in a sense i wouldnt really care if he'd ever reappeared if he didnt keep trying to do it on his fucking terms with nary a concern from me, my feelings and apparently not wanting to hear from me directly whether i forgive him or not.jesus told him he had to apologize via an untraceable typed memo stuffed unpost marked in my mother's mailbox. even jesus has to think this guy is a putz.

mars volta reminds me of blue oyster cult.

I was very lucky in one way and horrifically unlucky in another. ONE of my genetic donors is a strong, tough, smart woman from whom I get my drive, work ethic, and never ending energy. The other genetic donor, however, decided to make a deposit and go. Somewhat like a parental drive through. I have not seen this man in over 28 years. I also know that he is alive. I have, throughout various points in my life, tried to open the lines of communication, and the most I ever got was "I really messed up and I cannot live with it, so I am going to pretend you aren't".

Message received. It has been about 10 years since I have made any attempt. At this point, I have no feeling for this man other than a little less respect than the average human for never owning up to his mistakes. 99% of the time, he never crosses my mind, but I cannot say that when he does, it is any good. It is angry and sad and somewhat bewildered.

Ironically enough, when I was getting my passport for my first trip to Europe, I had to get a copy of birth certificate. I had never seen it as it had been lost as long as I can remember. When I received it in the mail, I noticed something completely weird. My name did not match up. I had another last name. I was rather surprised by all of that and so I decided to find out what the hell was up since my baptismal certificate, etc. all have my right name. As it turns out, this genetic donor of mine told my mother he would "take care of the paper work". He certainly did. Under the "father's name" portion of the document, he put his friend's name. (Hence the different last name.) I was pretty disappointed that he took that measure, but instead of anger, it just confirmed what I already knew and increased my cynicism even more. The thing that did anger me was my mother's reaction. She was undeniably hurt. It is enough to abandon a child, never contribute a dime or a second, but it is another to get that same slap in the face almost 30 years later. The fact that he hurt her that way pissed me off. ALOT. He basically has only existed in my world to either complicate things or hurt someone for whom I care.

It is amazing that I can have such a badly dysfunctional relationship with someone I really haven't met and if I weren't so lazy and it wasn't such a hassle, I would (and might still) just change my name.

for me-i cant imagine treating a cat this way...and people like our fathers have no such scruples. it always astounds me.

i loved the part in' burnt by the sun' when the father is spending time with his kid who he clearly adores-rowing down the river. i think- wow could there be men who care about their children? amazing- it's like a fairy tale to me.

my father was in my life for 10 years and i was very very close to him- much closer to him then to my mother who was always very cold and distant when i was young. i was devistated when he left and my mother shifted her rage at him onto me. when i cried after she told me he ' disappeared' she beat the shit out of me. any mention of him afterward usually ended in me being hit. she blocked, even when i was an adult, his family trying to contact me.

it is apparent to me that his family is at this time trying to contact me but trying to avoid my mother and her family-which in a manner i completely understand. however- i did legally change my name- partly because of my father and partly so members of my mother's family couldnt find me. of course my mother would never give my phone number to well meaning members of his family trying to contact his only child because he's probably sick of dead but she has had no problem telling her fucked up brother who once beat the tar out of me wherei live when i have specifically told her not to.

it's impossible to remove yourself entirely from your parent's dysfunction- it's visited on the children in a myriad of ways.

sorry-too late. my parents being alive and working their nurturing magic caused the not being 'positive, happy, normal, and motivated. '

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