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" the lord is in this place; how dreadful is this place"
in which mr. mittens ruminates on the caucasian contribution to The Dance:

1. ballet. i recognize the amazing physical conditioning required for ballet to be preformed but i still rather don't like it. cod pieces, anorexia -sorry ,it can't be good. it's one of the few ways i differ from edward gorey with whom i share a lot of likes and dislikes. choreographed passion- sounds like my last ' relationship'...

2. square dancing. exactly. you see versions of this on the gothique dance floor-side step, left right, twirl around. dancing for the naturally rhythmless . foot placement shouted out by some honkie in a stetson. only in america. now mothra can make himself useful,(as he seems so attached to that frigging microphone)- please tell them what to do with their feet-i'm sick of being stepped on.( " your own- step left- personal- step right-je-sus...)

3.the washing machine. remember going to the beach and grasping your hands together under the water and spinning around- churning up surf? yeah, some people call this ' getting down'. some white people that is.

4.the nordic track hustle. step left , back; step right, back with fists balled up, bent at elbows and thrusting back and forth. popular with bald men with no necks. i can almost hear your trainer say- 'breath in... and release... one more... looking good...'.

5. the dj jazzy trevor or the honkilicious booty bump. you grew up in the suburbs listening to hip hop. now transfer this to a goth/industrial club. when not throwing in a particularly animated ,disjointed version of the 'running man', you're riding someone else's butt like a virgin, touched for the very first time . please DON'T drop them britches....nor should you attempt to "back that thing up."

6.tai chi on ice or the dislocation moonwalk dance. pretty unique to goth. thankfully. the movements of the dervishes ' arms ,when they whirl, have a specific meaning, by the way- whereas a goth with flailing arms is usually indicative of a bad case of rickitts. eat some oranges, will you.

7. STAY AWAY FROM THE FUCKING POLE - (it really should be electrified, like the fence around a prison)-unless you can hoist that hoof of yours over your head. whore.

8. the crucifixion dance -like your feet are nailed to the floor ,baby(jesus). involves elements of no. 6. i'd say shake what yo' momma gave you but then you'd bust a move a la No.5.

9.the uncle jerry ie the hippie girl dance. yeah ,you do it fucking hippie goth scum- twirling around like a gypsie on qualuudes-' see the trails !!!THE TRAILS!!!!! '. fucking stevie nicks. thanks a lot, welsh bitch. almost fucking interperative dance without -thank the lord -the flesh coloured leotard.

10. the road cone. yes just stand in the middle of the floor strangling your drink and gawking. like No. 8 but the hands never move from their cocktail death grip.

personally, i blame christianity for these abominations...

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So true. Not much has changed in the past decade either I assume.

yeah it has changed-once goth went to the hot topic masses the cracker hip hop shit appeared...it seems to be the only way 'heterosexual'( loosely speaking of course..) men feel they can dance without appearing the gay. unfortunately the eyeliner and skirt they're wearing pretty much negates any attempt to save that lost,lamented masculinity.

Heh...there was some formal list of goff dances somewhere posted on t3h intarweb

ahh..here it is:


I will have to look at it a little more to see where my honky wannabee arse fits on that list :)

you know, secretly i'm always hoping- the few times that you do dance-that you'll break out in the tarantula...even though, yes , i know, that's mexican, you freakin' rican.i suppose you people have some special switch blade dance you do around stolen hub caps.


i believe in the movie version they used all italians to simulate Real Live Ricans because they couldnt manage to find any in , oh say, the fucking bronx or anything...

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