mr. mittens (akmed) wrote,
mr. mittens

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squirrel bait

i don't know why, but rodents dig me. rats , squirrels, mice- i've got it, they want it. and no , i was not born in the year of the rat. (i'm a dragon.) at home this problem is easily solved by having 6 cats lolling about in various stages of carnivorous, rat -hating hunger. but at work it's a free for all open love jones on mr. mittens. all i really need in my life at this time is fatal fucking attraction from a cemetery squirrel. with a bald spot.

listen , that janitor that looks like saddam hussein's brother so wants to kill you- and who rescued you from his have -a --heart trap? i did. i've never seen that useless prick so much as look at a vacuum or a dustbin but he's obsessed with trying to wack at you with the broom he has never once aimed toward a floor. you could at least stay outside. while saddam is wandering around the building not working 8 hours a day he's bound to see you.

no one else has ever seen you inside except for me. why have i been singled out for this privileged viewing of your fluffy tail and puffed up cheeks as you run around on top of the walk -ins? you only come in when i'm the only one around and then you scare me to fucking death by dropping from the ceiling within a foot of my head. what are you, a goddamn ninja? do you enjoy it when i scream like a little girl? i always seem to forget that a squirrel is stalking me and assume a giant rat is about to fuse to my face and gnaw my nose off.

nothing is more detrimental to my fragile sense of self worth than to know that a squirrel is laughing at me ,with it's posse ,out by a tombstone ,with a belly full of muffin hunks.

" ...and then it screams like a little bitch and throws the tray of snacks in the air...hahaha...."

and now the cats are starting to get suspicious. persia says i smell like ive been frolicking with "RODENTS,FILTHY BUT DELICIOUS RODENTS". she called me a whore. she's having none of it.

nutkin , we have to stop this crazy thing.

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