mr. mittens (akmed) wrote,
mr. mittens

  • Mood:

my life with the thrill kill kats

a few notes for puss-

i know very well you want to eat my brains, ms. siamese. then you'll eat my eye balls. it would be more advantageous to you and your evil genghis khanian plot if you waited until i was dead. but you won't wait , will you, oh daughter of persia mohammad persia?

i was just getting used to the narcolepsy when the insomnia set in and i can't for the life of me find that Clonopin i stole from the schizophrenic so she wouldn't kill herself. of course, when i do actually fall asleep, the night terrors jar me awake. and then there's you, oh grimalkin. you have never been a small cat. besides potentially smoothering me when you sleep on my head, it tends to lead to you chewing on my hair. why are you chewing on my hair? sure, the old calico likes to lick my head but i think she just believes i am her kitten. she's grooming me and i could sure use it. she is not attempting to feast on the contents of my skull. not to drag out the cultural cliches,but , inscrutable heathen, who the hell do you think is going to scoop the litter and buy the cat nip mice and keep your feed trough filled if you remove my brains using your drunken psycho brain drain style kung fu? like your mother is going to move her fat, fluffy ass from the comfort of the top of the imac...

gnaw gnaw gnaw .ok , if you were only just chewing on the hair , it wouldn't be that bad(save the noises you make which are reminiscent of a Mack truck grinding it's gears) but you get all worked up and start yanking it. then you begin chewing on my scalp. i holler and this just encourages you to start purring loud. as i attempt to yank my head away ,you slap a paw full of extended claws into my head and dig in. i scream. this seems to please you immensely and your purr grows louder.

of course, your she-demon girlfriends , the other cats, conspire to trap me in the bed- a la gulliver being tied down by the lilliputians- by sleeping en masse around my blanket covered body. as i struggle to get away from your snapping, bloody fangs, they all just fucking lie there with me mummy wrapped between them . occassionally , persia looks over and grunts at me as if to say ,"bitch, shut the fuck up- kitty is sleeping here".

normally, if i dare even sneeze you all hurtle off the bed as if i fired a Glock over your heads. screams of pain just lull miss kitty into a contented, blissful slumber.

then i manage to get up, after not sleeping at all, and drag myself to work where my boss informs me that you may be trying to...MATE. you're fixed, whore!!!!!! if you hump my head, i am sooooo out of here.

no fucking way.. no fucking way... "i did not have relations with THAT CAT!!!!!"

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