mr. mittens (akmed) wrote,
mr. mittens

"love is a cliff and i'm pushing you over/ you don't know it yet"

alice'al' tingles peabody-tabby , goddess,bon vivant- has decided to advance your pathetic human spiritual condition and bring you along on the path of ailurophilic enlightenmnet you must learn how to change out the rear window motor in a 1988 ford bronco xlt. NOT in a bronco fucking II, mind you. bronco IIs are for old ladies and pussies . this is a bronco, a bucking fucking bronco and it IS NOT a goddamn SUV. would you put a 5 year old and her soccar teamates in a dune buggy semi -semi with the big wheels, no roll bar ,a foreign car pushing front bar, emissions " issues' and excessive illegal tint on the glass? no, you wouldn't because children are pussies .

Fix Or Repair Daily, Found On Road Dead- yes owning a Ford is just like dating or any 'love' relationship really-if it's got tits, pecs or wheels you're going to have problems- lots of problems. but let's face it-when's the last time your significant other got you somewhere you REALLY wanted to go and without a lot of bitching, self abasement and a heap of emotional concessions? sure, gas is expensive but so is love and the bronco doesn't talk back or fuck your friends behind your back. a bronco will never cut you off because you bought the wrong size air filter or forgot the anniversary of the day you bought her. bronco's don't flaunt their ex-owner's in your face and they don't want couple's therapy to overcome their own inability to deal with their maladjusted childhood. broncos really love you- an oil change here and there, a new battery now and again, a fuse or two, a new brake line 10 years on and you're good to go. if you're good to your ford, your ford will be good to you. how many times can you say that about your interactions with other humans?

yes, Al is a cat but she is a professional pussy cat and she sure knows her way around a tool box. cats love tools. they loathe the vacuum cleaner but whip out those power tools and puss is ready to star in This Old Slanted Decaying Ghetto Crib.

before we begin, a few things:

the window raising/lowering motors in broncos are notorious for breaking . inside the motor are little plastic parts that completely get stripped down. you can yank out the motor and open it up and replace these parts- ford sells a really expensive kit that just contains these stupid do-hickies -but don't do that. you can get the parts on ebay cheaper or a whole new motor far cheaper than the official ford parts. an old, used motor pulled from another bronco is not such a swift idea-it will probably break in the same way as your old one did. the motor from a Lincoln station wagon will also fit/work if you go the junk yard route.

first make sure it is the actual motor that's burnt out. you can tell from the rust patterns on your ford that the water rolls off the roof and down the back tailgate window making the lower edge of the door and right above the fender rust out. the water also flows into the window because, let's face it, it's a 1988, the weather stripping is fucked and the plastic weather barrier on the inside of the door wasn't there the last time you opened it up. water will corrode the electrical connections-maybe you just need to rewire it.

before you open up the door to get at the window or even consider touching the motor or poking at the wires- DISCONNECT THE NEGATIVE BATTERY CABLE. sure, some of us have stood in a puddle in the pouring rain with the hood up, our fingers covered in metal rings, with an unfiltered cigarette danging from our lips, smashing at the battery terminals with a wrench but some of us are professional fools and lugheads.if it can start an 8 cylinder truck with a motor bigger than your bathroom- it can kill you or at the least remove your eyebrows. eyebrows keep the rain out of your eyes. eyebrows are a good thing except if they meet over the bridge of your nose- then they're an evolutionary problem.

make sure the fuse is still good- the fuse box is under the steering wheel. you can go on line and find out which fuse is connected to what item. if your window worked with the key but not with the dashbord panel switch obviously you need to check the switch connection.

check if the motor is not working because the tailgate isn't firmly shut- the motor will not engage if the door isn't shut properly. pretend you're at a hardcore show and heave yourself at the bitch. if the truck moves but the door doesn't-it's shut and the problem is electrical or dead window motor.

in my case, the electrical connections have been a problem in the past- nothing Wd40 didn't fix but then the window was stuck in the down position . i was able to pull down the tailgate, unscrew the back panel and spray away. now the window is up which complicates things as you can't open the tailgate with the window up. you have to do it inside the truck manually.

Al suggets a few items youre going to need to proceed:

some 40 fucking microbrews. the truck will not be fixed on microbrews. it's a physical impossibility. Bud or Schlitz is acceptable also.

pall malls.

fucking tunes and not on your bloody fucking ipod. perhaps a paint covered boombox with CASSETTES. Al's iAintNoPussy playlist : megadeth-countdown to extinction and peace sells but whose's buying? /swedish deathmetal, any/cramps- bad music for bad people/big black-atomizer/throbbing gristle-20 jazz funk greats/any really gay collection of HighNRG from the 80's that includes company B's 'fascinated', alicia-'too turned on' , jomanda's " got a love for you", and nu shooz 'i can't wait'.

lots of tools- drag them all out there and a few kitchen knives too. don't forget the Wd40.

something to wrap the rear window in and some barrels to put it on if you have to remove it. you don't want to have to fucking replace it because you stupidly decided to just leave it on the sidewalk.

extra fingers. there's a spring coil attached to the window- it could rip your fingers off if you can't hold your 40 ounces or are distracted by filthy hippies pedaling by, coming from Whole Foods, trailing their patcholi scent and ill will behind them.

bitches. lotsa bitches-a bitch to carry out the actual repairs because, as a cat ,you have no thumbs and a bitch to keep the cold 40 ounces coming...

finally,it's got to stop fucking raining. i'm not rewiring a truck in the rain even with the neg. battery cable off. the rain was the problem in the first place and Al, being a cat, does not do rain.

unfortunately, the rain is still pending and i want to take pictures because unless Al shows you The Way ,step by step, you'll probably lose a finger and your eyebrows and end up in a karmically challenged position, in terms of eternity. admit it, you are itching to see an adult tabby cat replace a window motor AND assault someone in birkenstocks with a an empty 40 ounce bottle...

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