August 31st, 2009

(no subject)

i'm trying hard not to be depressed. farah is completely terrified of me. the fluids she's not so upset about but the pills and minty phosphate binder are becoming more and more of an struggle. she now pees on me while i'm trying to give them to her. this isn't unusual or cause for particular concern- besides being disheartening and messy. cats with chronic renal failure are known for peeing inappropriately- mostly they can't help it. their bodies go into overload trying to drink and pee enough to flush the toxins out of their systems because the kidneys no longer function as they should.i was catching her to give her her meds when she tried to creep past me to go to the litter box so now she associates peeing with me stuffing my fingers in her face and harpooning her with a needle.

so i stand there with her in my arms while she pees on's just water, no big deal but i can tell she's humiliated by it. it adds to the whole aura of trauma caused by the very things necessary to keep her alive. and although she appears stable, it's hard to tell because she's reverting to feral out of her took so long to earn her and her sister's trust. now she sees me as the bringer of annoying and uncomfortable things that are scary. she sleeps with one eye open and on me.

i just pray this is all working. some days just suck more than others. my whole mood is colored by how she seems on any given day-something really hard to determine given that she's not crashing , appears stable but is weak and may be adjusting to the heart meds.she is pissed at me and that makes me feel horrible but i have to try not to appear scared, angry, confused or terrified so it doesn't rub off on her.i have to strive to put her at ease when i am anything but.

it's really hard to appear nonchalant and at ease when you're bleeding from scratches and dripping in cat urine.

i need special cat medicating clothing/devo suits made out of wee wee pads...