August 18th, 2009

private nether regions

farah's levels- most of them- have come back into normal or at least readable range after hydration. the blood on her mouth- actually in her drool- that first freaked me out and caused me to bring her in- was probably from ulcers somewhere in her digestive track- a complication of the renal failure. if she does not have some sort of infection or blockage , it probably means she does have an inherited condition. they're doing an ultrasound today which should hopefully give us some answers.

if she can be stabilized- and her numbers falling back to earth indicate she can be-i can bring her home and will have to give her the sub-q fluids daily like i had to do with alice (alice also had renal failure but it was the result of old age , common enough in cats). l, 58k( that was the lady chablis typing. you'll have to ask her directly what she meant.) they tell me she won't eat and is acting more her feral self- which really is a sign she's feeling better. farah only recently will eat while i am in the same room with her. she's that shy. the hospital has been pretty good about having a semi-feral gal and they understand her behavior. one of the reasons i waited so long for my house call vet to come back from vacation was that taking a feral out of where she feels safe is fraught with problems, in the end impacting their wellness and progress through the stress they are put under. she desperately needs to eat- but won't because she's scared and out of her territory and only trusts me. of course they will sustain her through medical means but cats are the ultimate home bodies-anything that will freak them out is better done where they feel safe and secure. nothing freaks even a former feral out more than strangers who want to put shiny instruments near them and want to feel their undersides. and thank goddess for those thermometers that don't have to be plunged into the private nether regions.

i don't believe kurt and courtney's child is 17 years old.

(no subject)

the ultrasound and x-rays have come back and the outlook is not good. what's wrong with farah's kidneys is looking more like a cancer and not something like a blockage or infection that could have been medically attended to successfully- which was the hope. although she is stabilized there's no way to keep her that way without constant medical intervention. her prognosis is that in all probability she will continue to decline. of the things suspected to be wrong, not one is something that can be cured or reversed.

in light of this, i feel i have no option but to let her go home to Her Mother. with all that i have been through with sick cats the past few years, this is even more devastating because of her youth and the amazing progress we have made together from her rough start in life as an unwanted human fearing feral. i never thought i would be able to pet her and her sister and yet they have become the two sweetest most loving cats anyone could wish to know. i am so honored that they have chosen to be close to me and have thrived here- friends to all the other cats and intensely curious about humans despite their great reservations about them. i would never have gotten through the deaths of persia, alice, sylvia, and harriot brown without them and their often guarded yet ultimately gentle and caring ways. they're the best cats in the whole fucking world ! lately they're what's been getting me through the days-i'm always happy to be home with the ladies-always the best part of any day.

i have learned more about patience from farah and her sister - more than i could ever hope to learn through any other means. their capacity for trust against all odds and over their completely justified fears of this fucked up and cruel world has touched me to the core. i owe them.

my hope was always that we'd enjoy a lifetime together with the rest of the girls but this is not to be so. while this saddens me i know i cannot allow her to suffer. sometime loves' most perfect yet most difficult path is letting go. i believe i am doing the right thing but it still weighs on me so heavily.

your heart is breaking, but you go on.

if anyone is of the mind and ability please consider making a contribution in farah's honor to the Cat Connection in waltham- the wonderfully kind people who rescued farah and nixe. regular shelters would have euthanized such feral cats and do as a matter of course. i know they are experiencing a food shortage in their program to feed outdoor feral cat colonies. even if you can donate just a bag of cat food it would be appreciated and another farah would get another chance to be someone's special girl .

so, i must go to be with her and then i will bring her up to nevins' myself. please offer a thought to comfort her soul. and as for me i already have another of those cat shaped holes in my heart.

living dead cat

ok ok. i know i am basically the elghey 'deep and meaningful post about my dead cat' drama queen- possibly of the entire world. in all fairness, all the rest did die- from sundry complications of old age, it was always heart breaking and i did order up some new kitties from the Crazy Cat Person Collection of Misfits, Ferals, All Black and Funny Looking Unwanted Cats. and farah is really very sick.

i couldn't do it.

it just wasn't her time.

i called and said,' let's do it', so they knew i was coming. then i got lost which is fucking stupid because i grew up in waltham and i've been to this place numerous times- i had brought brown there and of course i had just fucking dropped farah girl off there and came back home with no problems. so they set you up in this ' saying goodbye is hard' sort of living room with scented candles( LORD! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!), windows with stained glass contact paper on them and a comfy death couch. oh and joss sticks. i know they're trying to be helpful and soothing but i kept thinking i'd rather od in a bathtub at home or on my couch dressed in a muumuu and pumps or perhaps be run over by a truck because at least there's a high likelihood no coconut scented votives would be involved.

when they brought farah in to me, she looked better than she did when i brought her in to emergency sunday night. her eyes were clear and she was alert. i tried desperately for a last meaningful moment but she was squirming around so much i kept thinking-" this cat is too sick to live? there's something wrong." it just didn't seem right. i know when i called dr. lipton those 2 times i had to euthanize my older cats, i instinctively knew it was the right thing- they were in my house and i had been with them constantly. i saw with my eyes and sensed their downturn on those very days. i have never questioned letting them go- it was hard as hell -but i have never once questioned the rightness of it. this was different. everything within me, once i had her in my arms, said-"it's just not time. you can't do it." it was so fucking weird. she eventually got away from me and i had to crawl around the floor and tip over that couch to snag her. it's also the first time she has EVER hissed at me. she KNEW, ok, she KNEW what goes down in that room and she was having none of it.

thankfully the doctor was that same one who admitted her with whom i've had the majority of contact. she sat on the floor and told me she was shocked when she came in and they told her i was coming to be with farah when she was put's funny, when i got off the phone this afternoon with the other doctor i felt like i should have spoken to this woman again before deciding anything . she had been perfectly honest about the seriousness of farah's condition, the likelihood she would not be long lived but also honest in pointing out that no one could really tell from the tests whether farah could be comfortable and sustainable at home with fluids. the only way was to try it. she had told me this all along based on what is known about chronic renal failure. i don't think she over inflated my hopes, it's just that this afternoon the other vet to me made it sound like in the end whatever was wrong was probably not treatable and that farah would just continue to decline.

i've had a cat with renal failure before so i understood the basics of what was going on with her body even though in farah's case the cause was and is still undetermined( it can't be 'caught'.).as the tests preformed did not indicate any of the known and treatable causes, the scenario presented to me over the phone was grave. perhaps i am more morbidly inclined or maybe it's just because i was so fucking stressed and filled with dread that i myself over emphasized the negative... but the prognosis reached was to my ears-" it can't be anything treatable, she'll just continue to deteriorate but we could try a biopsy- but the things it would show are most likely dire".

i guess over the phone it was easy for me to give up on her- being all rational and perhaps in denial about my motivations behind any decision. the inevitable is a lot less painful sooner than dragged out to later if just because of mileage alone. but once i laid eyes on farah and she became miss spunky monkey it dawned on me that there was nothing wrong with just saying" stop-i don't want to do this now". when the vet told me she felt like she'd been ' kicked in the stomach' because farah was going to be euthanized after tests that were not conclusive and that considering farah was stable, eating and drinking and her levels had come down instantly there was no reason not to try bringing her home-i felt that i was justified medically and not just emotionally in giving farah that chance. if i thought she was suffering and in pain i would have followed through. but she's sitting with me now having just wolfed down a plate of cat food. she's comfortably and peacefully napping.

we'll do what we can.

life is the best birthday present ever- and that's the whole point now isn't it?