August 28th, 2007

cat crush or really, i didn't kill the snowshoe, honest

Nixe is not entirely sure there wasn't a vast pink monkey conspracy to kill sylvia. the housecallvet, the cable guy are not above suspicion and im pretty much the smoking fucking gun.

and if nixe spends her time looking at me askance with something like calmly calculated loathing in her eye, farah has developed high powered swoony cat crushes on harriot brown and strangely enough me.

i understand they're confused and sad. both of them just loved sylvia and were always trying to rub against her. farah has been nursing a little special fatal attraction action with harriot brown for some time. they really do look very alike as they have the same coloring. if one of them walks by just out of my direct sight i can't tell who it is even though brown is much thinner and has the added white gloves and a bib accessory pack. alice was interesting to them but she had never been overly friendly to any other cat save persia who raised her. alice's death left the torties curious and sort of in awe . nixe in particular watched over my poor tabby very carefully when she was sick. her death, because she was so weak ,was also much quieter then my sylvie's.

they must have known sylvia was in pain and kept looking up to me as if asking what i was going to do about it. all i could do is wait for the vet. every time she cried out it was as if a knife was thrust through my side. the doctor thinks that she had a series of strokes. simply put : it just was her time. as usual dr. lipton was the best. i take it that as a house call vet the majority of times she's called it's for euthanasia but she never leaves you feeling that it's a thoughtless chore . she's kind and compassionate. i am so very grateful to her. she has made all the difference in this horrible time for me and and for my girls. i have lost 3 of my cats this year alone and 2 the year before. i cannot overstate how important it is to have someone who understands and appreciates the magnitude of that- i have lost 3 of my babies this year alone. they are not ' just cats', they are not ' just pets'. and nixe, damn it, i didn't kill them!

i've been feeling sort of dead, i guess, more blank then anything else. i miss my girls. i love the new cats but my relationships with the ones that passed were over 15 years in the making. poor brown seems frail but is active, eating and appears fine, maybe a little sad. we're both a little sad. i've a large space in me i have no clue as to how to fill. i'm left feeling i don't care about anything, anyone. everything seems to be falling away from me and i just don't care at the core of it .

i'm going to do pound things with hammers and get the drill out. power tools always make me feel as if everything is right and good in the world.