July 11th, 2005

sai fon

"sometimes i see you from the flagstones"

one of my cats is dying. there's nothing i can do about it. i can't even find her right now because ,like with all animals when they're sick, she's hiding.

sex and dying- what else is there?

oh, how scared i was of death, having lived a life of bereavement after my father disappearing back to europe and all my friends dying that horrible death, all at once, during the plague of the early 80s. with those junk dialted eyes ,how i looked to my future and saw none : never having been able to give away so easy, never having been able to be so happy and optimistic even under the brutal, illusionary ministrations of heroin and youth.

"sleep has no property, as i recall..."

obviously, i have to OD her. weak , i cant stand to see her pain and the knowledge that there's nothing i can do for her save hope the mother takes her sooner than later distresses me.

the only 2 long term relationships i have ever had were consumated due to manray. the reason i started djing had it's inception due to manray. in another lifetime i had a cat- or did she have me?- named isobel. a magical cat that taught me things about my self and life no human has ever had the sense or love to share. she started dying, like maggie, all at once, like a cyclone-there and gone. then everyone started dying- my relationships, one after the other, my grandfather, a slew of friends with AIDS, and a handful of ODs. i never was one to have a bevy of friends and acquaintances and here they all were, keeling over 3 a week.

i just want to know- how much can you lose at fucking once? everything you hold dear, i suppose. that's the way life is. you could be blown up on the way to work. there's no sense bitching- some other bastard has it a million times worse.

i had an epiphany- a roxy music epiphany. roxy music, perhaps the greatest band in my lifetime and that's before "avalon " because roxy music without brian ferry is like, well, roxy music without brian ferry. walking across the salt and pepper shaker bridge at 4 in the fucking morning and listening to 'virginia plain' and 'editions of you 'and 'the strand ',i figured out who exactly i was madly in love with. and that, once again, everything was shifting away.

please take my baby. deliver her from this as i know she's in pain. she's a very sweet cat and she's suffered a great deal of loss. oh, but in the end, haven't we all? grant her the great peace of your love.

mommy, at our time , please bring us home.