July 10th, 2003

sai fon

"william it was really nothing"

it's so easy to whinge about why youre not dead when youre not dead.

when i stop for a moment and am reminded of the past, of my life and how it seemed to go so wrong but not completely wrong ,so far, i guess, because, unlike willie, i am not dead.

are we born under a bad sign, crossed up stars and misaligned planets? - the heaven in disarray, our lives marked doomed and sealed before we even get thrust out and land in the air outside on earth?

are we made to a bad end or do we drive ourselves there? is it written on the palm? can you see it in my eyes? i saw it on you william but then again i saw it on myself too but im still here, for the moment, and you're dust - almost as light as the air. i suck it in- you arent breathing and you look like you're asleep. your mother is driving across the country now and i cant imagine how she feels. there's nothing i can say. all i can do is think about you and think about her and know that at least it cant get any fucking worse - can it?

that was my end at the same age- why didnt my time come up? was it dumb luck? my mother is talking on the phone about how dead she'd thought i'd be when i was 22 and how dead i seem now that i cant talk to her, dont see her , and never respond.

can you even care? can you look down and does it matter that for a moment i was sad for you and reminded that i'll be there too.

when you died , NM was in flames.

the earth appears flat and sometimes i have a mind to walk right off it but i think id get more gratification on the trigger side of a gun.

did you jump or were you pushed? because i cant lighten up until im dust.