June 14th, 2003

youre only a whore who deserves no thanks unless you have enough kleig lights

i have had to leave work early and loose money. i also had to work extra hours in the beginning of the week in large blocks to be able to do this. i had to go back to work afterwards and finish my job. i had to come home and unload thousands of pounds of expensive , sensitive equipment. in the rain.

i had to load it in by myself too and fight with cops to get down my street.

i had given up djing for many reasons- one of those reasons is a told myself i would never ever work near or around a band-youre always negated to useless untalented nigger when bands are around BECAUSE THEY ARE THE TRUE STARS- so go over in the corner with this 'close and play' and shut up.

my close and play cost thousands of dollars thank you .

i really should listen to myself. did i mention i had given up djing and swore to never do it again because of all the bullshit involved and how draining it was. why dont i listen to myself. why why why.

it was good money while it lasted- a hundred or so an hour- but the drugs were the only thing that got me through it all and i know i cant do that again.

i realize my system is better than me but all in all i imagined somewhere in it all i was a human trying to do i good thing- must remind self- never do good things for people- you end up in the rain with blood covered hands trying to disassemble and yank up your back window- black hard rubber black oil soot- all for naught. i was just the dj- i made no effort because i didnt have flashing lights .

yes but i had a power strip everyone kept taking and was begrugingly given one outlet and would have been on the floor without a table.
uh we only have half the hall-do you have to put your records in that small 1 foot by 1 foot space even though were not on until last and its urgent that you set up now ?

luckily ive seen all this behavior before. i know that if id been more of an asshole, i would get similarily more respect. that's how it works. finailly i just ripped their goddamn cords out of my powerstrip. still i feel i didnt reach the correct height of obnoxious assholeness because apparently i made no effort.

and then there's geoffrey- oh thank allah for geoffrey -with more after hours ghetto liquor and our fucked up sense of humor. i havent laughed that hard all week and despite the blood and my aching back- we scry the fools, including ourselves, and howl in the rain.

he ends up telling me the whole police roadblock was because someone WAS shot and killed but "...no one liked him anyway. they were just sick of his shit." " uh they thinned out the herd?" " hehe yeah they culled him..."

mmm culling the herd....

well cull everyone on earth and your goddamn kleig lights too-youre in a vfw hall not the fleet center- im still sweating and i think i have a sunburn. i was seeing stars but not the sort that are mentioned in rollingstone or on the e channel.

no one can be entertained anymore because they respond to specific packaged product only rather than to passion and interest and the true importance of people coming together for music and dancing as a social and spiritual communion- we've divorced ourselves from the root meaning and rendered the act meaningless and cut adrift in a murky stagnant pond of commercialized pop culture automation and the ruthless ego driven fantasy of stardom over talent (and an ability to connect to an audience sometimes even despite themselves).

i feel lucky- i have seen unfettered joy on a dancefloor- even in yes a night club-its made me break down and cry.

now the motor for my back window just breaks down.

buy or die and we're dead.

oh how burnt we all feel....fortunately for my lack of human feelings i just walk on by- made for the shade.
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