May 9th, 2003

sai fon

growl of the opossum

i'm hailed by an ill- natured opposum in someone's front yard- that or a really ugly misshapen rat seethed invective at me from behind a shrub.

i wasn't suppose to see her.

" animals, they think they're clever..."

it's suddenly occured to me that the only place i would call home, is whereever my cats are. i don't have parents- the cats found me as an infant, in a basket, near their scratching post and raised me as their own. i will get them something nice for mother's day.

" [you] went to florida and left [me] with your father's gun, alone"

you might as well had walked into that lake, ophelia, because you abandoned me that day and i haven't seen you since. and you wonder, wonder why i am not around now. i nearly left then, with a hand to my head and my wrists slit up my arm- you sat on a rock and disappeared while your family kept me at the end of a pointed stick.

" up on her small white bed/ i fell into a dream'

i dream of escape and you dream me back to that place.

' Unlike the phoenix, nothing's going to rise up from those ashes."

you can't hide it. i see it. you thought you'd created the Gollum from the mud of your ruined mating but you were stuck with the tail of the smoldering dragon- sai fon. as you pounded and pounded my 10 year old back that day, pinning me to the floor, pretending i was my father, for your cathartic little moment of relief, do you ever consider that the reason i wanted to die is that you wanted me dead?

now i wont give you what you refused to give me when i was so young and desperate and destroyed and you were the ' adult'.

" the size of my heart is the size of my fist."

gone , daddy, gone.