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"if only i could/ be running up that hill"
tesla 2
akmed
it was bound to happen. if you're on the magical interwebs long enough some inexplicably chipper ex acting like they left a trail of unicorns, rainbows, and angora kittens in their wake who you have somehow managed to avoid direct contact with for nearly 20 years is going to show up in your inbox.

i know mr mittens is an unforgettable, elusive and rare minx like creature but when someone wanted nothing to do with me all of a sudden and was rather cruel about it and indulged in denigrating me in lieu of communicating and called me an evil satanist and left all their pets most of which were not all adorable angora kittens when they fled...

would you actually leave your beloved pets with someone who was a satanist? admit it- you sounded insane and you were very very mean. surely you had your reasons and i am more apt to be sympathetic to someone whose cruelty is born of their survival based maladaptive behaviors,damaged self esteem and fear of intimacy. 2 decades on i have a better understanding of your MO than you do yourself and i think that has been what's driven your occasional quasi-stalking behavior toward me. i also refused to hate you as much as you hated yourself. my kindness and accepting attitude toward you in the end drove you away whereas if i responded in kind you would have stayed.it was a dynamic that was not lost on me at the time.

the world is full of sick and sad people whose inability to love and attraction to abuse is in direct proportion to their degree of self loathing. we're in our 40s now ,honey. my only hope was always you'd move along,work your issues out and stop doing such destructive things to yourself and your relationships. through the years i have gotten that itchy feeling this wasn't happening for you.

why after so long do you care to know about my life? you didn't care when it actually mattered so what exactly is it you want from me now ? why would i allow you a foothold to serve the same skewered personal dysfunctional objective? it's not that i think you're somehow bad. it's not that i hate you because i do not. i just do not think that much about you now save when something like this focuses my attention and remembrances.that sounds cruel but it's not. it's the truth. i don't regret us and i don't regret you leaving. what that relationship brought forth in me when it was done has always loomed larger for me than the actual relationship itself.understanding you was secondary- it caused me to understand myself on a startling level.it changed everything.

my first guess is you want to feel better about yourself over what happened. some like to posit this as seeking forgiveness .it is no such thing. when it's clear one has no idea exactly what one did wrong, how can there be any basis for absolution? you were mean because you were only aware of your own hurt. hurting me assuaged those icky feelings for you and allowed you to escape any and all responsibility for a relationship you helped create.it gave you in your damaged view license and cover to runaway from me when all you really were seeking to do was runaway from yourself and your emotions.

through the years you have tried to contact me through oblique channels- a few letters got to me early on, letters which i never answered.my mother complained about the phone calls but never once revealed my location even though you proved to be continuously exceedingly manipulative, another destructive trait of those with self esteem issues. the rather sad thing is this last batch of communications sounds exactly like those from the early 90's- down to the same sentences word for word.i still feel as i did then- creeped out and taken aback at myself for my tragic dating patterns.

when i was involved with you several rather significant events happened : my grandfather who had raised me died at the same time my wayward father contacted me for the first time in almost 16 years.considering two nuclear bombs had gone off in my psyche i thought i handled it pretty well- i am not a lasher, i had no fits, no outbursts, no animals were harmed in my life coming to emotional pieces. my grandfather's death however appeared to be the catalyst for unleashing a flurry of first indifference and then cruelty toward me.your behavior stands as the most pointedly mean yet infuriatingly random trifling ever done with me by someone i was involved with. what is the point of being mad at someone because their grandfather died? when my best friend came to take me to one of the wakes, she walked in on me being called a twisted satanist- out of the blue, apropos of nothing. it was one of those "what the fuck was that about?" moments.

i guess therefore i should not be surprised you still do not understand your own behavior, do not understand that it's not your inability to love me that should prompt apologies but rather your thoughtless, mean and selfish actions toward someone who was vulnerable in grief, someone who had always been kind ,supportive and protective of you. the relationship up until then had been actually rather sweet and uncomplicated- not passionless yet not the red hot crazy you know is going to blow up in your face or take a limb off.there was nothing to indicate a melt down was coming. if there were major conflicts they existed in your head, unspoken of until they erupted fast furious and out of context.when you finally left it was a relief despite the circumstances i was left in.the pets went to mom and friends, i slept on couches for quite some time and threw myself into more ill conceived relations with more of an eye toward self preservation coupled with personal responsibility.the irresponsibility and lack of care for what one puts into the world of someone else only underscored my own similar failings.i still may struggle with these issues every day, i still may screw them up but i always try to be aware of myself and come up with solutions not excuses for my negative behaviors.

and those pets you left behind gave years and years worth of the love, caring and affection you were so incapable of allowing yourself, so incapable of giving.you can always go wrong a million different ways with humans, but you'll never go wrong with the love of a good cat. their secret is their honesty with themselves. we all could do with more of that.

april is the anniversary of my grandfather's death. spring always has its special way with love and death. and with the death of love. bring forth what is within you instead of seeking yourself in others. it's the only way.