this afternoon my dear sweet farah girl returned to her mother with the help of dr. stefanie. while it was clear to me several weeks ago that it was not her time, yesterday farah let me know she was indeed ready to go, turning in upon herself and isolating herself in the bedroom. up until this point she remained always in the same room with me and the other girls. for whatever reason all the cats i have lost in the past 4 years( that would be- gasp- 7 counting farah)all hide in the bedroom when they are ready to pass- even the cats who didn't particularly like hanging out there. farah headed there friday and refused to leave- hiding in of all things the kitty pyramid. it seemed more than appropriate.
it is so hard to lose a cat so young-she's only 4-, particularly one who came into my life as a feral. it took me 1 year to gain her trust enough to pet her. it was always clear that she was a sweety, curious and craving affection yet too scared to allow one to approach. earning her trust and that of her sister uncovered reserves of patience and understanding within me i was not aware i possessed. as with persia mohammad, the cat whose death prompted me to adopt the tortie twins,my feral gals opened the gates to my heart, allowing me to love and be loved and trusted based in respect and genuine affection, unmarred by ego and selfishness.in many ways farah and her sister allowed me to see my own 'feralness'- my fear of intimacy and connection with other humans.such small creatures as cats are at a distinct disadvantage to humans who can and sadly do cause so much harm.i have been so honored that a cat like farah chose to trust me. it saddens me so much more to lose her not just because of her youth but because of that special hard won close attachment one forms to a once feral cat transformed into a love bomb and lap cat.
it's most likely farah had cancer. she was the second cat i have lost to chronic renal failure, the first being alice in whom it was more likely due to her age. farah's memory is best served by becoming more aware of the plight of feral cats,of course, and CRF. this is an excellent site, filled with information without which i would not have been able to cope with this illness and loss. cats are the masters of masking illness and this is of significance in particular to CRF because the most telling symptoms only become apparent after there is significant loss of kidney function.it was so very helpful to have the words and experiences of others who have gone through this. http://www.felinecrf.org/index.htm
farah was, is a dear and gentle soul filled with so much love despite the circumstances of her birth.through the many difficulties and indignities of her short illness she remained her sweet loving self, showering me with rubs and kisses despite all the invasive, crazy things i was doing to her. it was only at the very end, when it was clear that it was time for her to go, that she of necessity became detached and a tad more feral-but i understand that this had to be.always friend to all the other cats, farah was my most special little girl, my feral angel.it's the thought of the purity of her love freely shared despite the odds that sustains us in our loss of her.