it was a bit overshadowed by what happened to farah . i felt torn about leaving her alone for so long even though she appears stable and comfortable.i find myself constantly checking up on her and that tends to generate a lot of anxiety. cats are the masters of hiding illness but she's a feral who generally always looks slightly ill at ease with people and has spent a great deal of her life hiding from them when generally socialized house cats resort to concealing themselves habitually only when they are sick . emotionally i am constantly just being shredded and ping ponged about. the seriousness and uncertainty of her illness leads to what's commonly known as the' CRF emotional roller coaster'.i never expected to be back aboard that ride so soon.
with alice it was pretty clear cut- she was older and renal failure is commonly seen in elderly cats. and she deteriorated almost immediately after i brought her home- indicating that her kidneys had lost too much of their functioning and could not rebound. she refused to eat and drink . knowing that her suffering could not be relieved and that she herself was no longer interested in nor compelled to partake in those functions that sustain life, letting her go seemed a necessity and a mercy . it brought both great sadness at the loss of her but also peace of mind . chronic illness forces one to constantly weigh the tiny daily victories- a successfully taken pill, getting the sub q's in to a pissed off flailing cat, a clean dinner plate- against the looming presence of a life threatening debilitating hard to manage probably incurable , progressive disease. i feel queasy and ill at ease all the time. i'm striving despite all my fears to surround farah with security and love . i don't want any freaked out anxious vibes to leak out of me and effect her. if she's up to still kicking about, i'll do all i can to help out.
as for beach side fun, in honor of my birthday here's the only picture you will ever get to see of moi at the beach. that's the whitest child ever in the whole universe there- look at the white fucking hair! no eyebrows! for years my mother delighted in telling me i looked bald for well out of my infancy because of near transparent hair color which was apparently the cause of great mirth. oh ha fucking ha look at my chrome domed q ball baby. and sun or no sun out i still have those squinty lizard eye slits i inherited from dearest DaDa. that's of course my mother. do people still wear full make up to the beach or was that a 60s thang?
and check out this hottie- this is my mother's high school graduation picture.
when i go to visit now i came back with the strangest assortment of items she insists i take- old photos. items, one here, one there, i left at home after one of my many moves around and some frankly disturbing revelations about my family- and this time there were some jaw droppers. but it's better for me to focus on the old pictures- i need to be grounded now not whisked out to sea.