mr. mittens (akmed) wrote,
mr. mittens

" i only listen to the sad, sad songs"

my mother just wrote saying this was the ' greatest day of[her] life' in 1964. selfishly, i can't say the same as it's only very recently that i haven't been hounded by thoughts that i didn't really want to be born at all. it always seemed to me even when i was quite young that most of the rest of humanity seemed comfortable being here and i was out of place, out of time and simply did not belong. there was so much violence and loss early on for me, which i think is part of my problem, but it has always been more than that- a lingering detachment from a world i generally want little to do with. there's no way any christian hell can be worse than what people have created on earth out of their greed and cruelty. what people who claim to love each other are capable of inflicting upon each other has always been the most baffling of ironies.

but focusing in on the sadness and loss that permeates life is part of the problem- we have an eternity to linger on regrets and loss and pain and only right now to live and it has taken me almost half an average lifetime to genuinely appreciate this state of being. with last years' parade of death-all my cats, really my closest companions for 20 years, and my father and realizing how bloody old i've become all of a sudden- one's mortality has a way of being more firmly impressed upon day to day consciousness. and the fact that's there's not a fucking whole lot you can do about it save try to be aware, stay out of dangerous situations if you have the choice ( and many many times you do have the choice) and not smoke crack all day drinking lard and sharing needles while playing in oncoming traffic.

to really impress this all upon me this morning the girls' birthday gift was an all out feline crazies rampage through the house that included: breaking and then playing with glass, surfing up and down the hallway on pieces of cardboard, chasing one another over my prone body, climbing the record case and trilling loudly and running break neck in a circle through the house ending up where they started, like the ouroboros, atop my forehead.

and it didn't upset me at all. i got up and cleaned the glass up, of course, but they were having so much fun and are so damn cute even when being quite naughty. they were enjoying life- something i had thought was a curse but now i know despite everything is a great gift.

still, i won't give up the sad sad songs so here's my latest musical obsession- maria callas and an alternate version of the same song by kathleen ferrier. kathleen ferrier, while severely ill with breast cancer that had spread to her bones , preformed through unspeakable pain this her final role in "orfeo et eurydice". she died several months later only 41 years old. one of my favorite sad songs of all times- " j'ai perdu mon eurydice" / "what is my life without thee" -2 languages/ two of the greatest singers of all times :


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