still with age i find i am a little rattled by certain aspects of my past.perhaps this is because i have changed so very much and many things seem to me to have taken place in another lifetime and to someone else. it's not guilt so much if at all. i would definitely do things differently, of course, but that only comes with knowing what had happened next. i wish i could have been kinder, less insecure, less angry, and more self aware. i see the necessity of my guardedness with others and view it as an aspect of my personality based on my rather unfortunate upbringing and childhood.i know it has kept me distant from people. i am not now sure still if i am capable of the closeness most seem to crave with others. i'm just apart. still.
and as much as i wonder and think about how i have turned out i am often as equally perplexed by the people i have been involved with. would i even consider them now? how different or the same are we? what the fuck were we thinking? but that's often the trouble with sex- no one's thinking. because there's no bigger hard on killer then thinking.ahh oblivion- the little death, a hint of things to come? perhaps it's a blessing that i rarely see any of my exes or tricks but when they are thrust into my view again as of late it has improbably been- strangely enough-on national tv. meaning tv- not youtube or the internets where the probabilty is higher that you'll spy a random flash of your fond but distant memory , heart breaker or felonious, err, misstep( sometimes, i tell you, it's impossible to tell someone's real age. lighting is everything. i can't afford a lawyer, will the court please appoint one?).
so while i am all about the don't ask don't tell sometimes even i am shifted out of my tamed and sedate and secretive comfy sphere- usually by being highly amused.
i know rock n roll is all about what a hard ass you are and all the chicks you can bang but do we ever really get what we came for? do we even know what we came for? i know what you got-i'm just inferring of course but the proof is before me. i ended up with a place to live for a few months and indirectly through the indiscretions and hang ups of certain bass players ended up with the greatest cat in the world- persia mohammad persia.i lost all my friends- the people i thought cared so much about me by the fall out here and there from a seemingly unrelated hook up. that's just the way things flow. i have a bad taste still left over about so many people from that time in my life, a time of plague and wandering.but this really made me smile and nearly giggle in fits.
i'm about 2 seconds away from arranging my records a la john cusack in 'high fidelity'- by relationships- and calling all my serious exes and demanding to know what happened- only i think even that would just cause more fits and giggling if not outright shrieking at the absurdity of sex, dying and human relations.