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comatose non- reaction or all about my father part 1
tesla 2
akmed
"let's just close our eyes"



i've come to several very important conclusions regarding my own self- things i have known and accepted for quite some time. i will always be a tad too cold blooded . i will always be slightly to largely removed from other humans.i find pretty much no one attractive in a sexual and/or romantic manner because i find humans too repulsive in behavior- too shallow and unkind and dense- and i just can't get beyond these thoughts to want to be close to them. i do not believe in romantic love. i do not believe in the nuclear family. male and male god dominated social motifs for living life and structuring society has made, in the words of valery solanis, ' a shit pile of the world.' i have never fit in this quagmire of hateful hets and their violent, guilt inflicting underpinnings. i have never wanted part of it.

i was an inward turned, shy child who was sickly from birth through early childhood. removed from other children, and fearful of adults who mostly spoke french, i just refused to communicate and wanted to stay in my room alone. my mother insists i was wanted as a child but i see her as a very distant, emotionally cold woman who was intolerant of childish behavior coming from a child. if she didn't want to deal with something she just walked away- whether the situation required calming or comforting or protecting( these things, i am told, that parents do). i was much closer to my father but he had an unpredictable and violent temper which flared more and more the more he began to sell and use drugs. he broke a chair over my back when i was under 7 years old because i was quietly eating dinner in front of the tv. he had come home very late, near my bed time, and my mother had allowed me to do this while she waited to eat with him. my mother did nothing to stop him . at this point there was, i now know,no threat to her as he didn't become physically assaultive toward her until, by her admission, the very end of their marriage. she just opted as usual to allow me to take the brunt of his anger. even with his rage and her denial, i loved my parents. they're all i had. when they divorced, i lost them both and so it remains to this day.

they were two very emotionally damaged people who had no business having a child but in this i do not think they were so different from many people of their generation( he was born in 1939 and she was born in 1941). they were married well before i was born. he worked a blue collar job and she stayed at home. they both came from very damaged and damaging home situations which , again, was probably never acknowledged as anything but the status quo in a time where even the most criminal aberrations committed within a family were routinely never addressed. my father may have never known his father or he left when phil was only 3 or 4 years old- i am uncertain of the veracity of anything about his life and i do not entirely believe his mother was his biological mother. i don't trust much of what my mother says about phil but she is my only source on his life and i am not sure how truthful he or his mother ever was with anyone especially given the fact that he went into hiding for over 30 years to get away from my mother and i. it seems certain he spent much of his childhood in catholic foster care, which sends up flags about his parentage anyway. he may have been in an orphanage or gone to catholic school because he had a fierce hatred of nuns , having been beaten by them, he confided in me, with objects, so he refused, upon application of pressure from my maternal grandparents, to allow me to go to CCD ( ' sunday school' to you protestant heathens. it stands for confraternity of christian doctrine.). it is one of the oddities of how life tends to pattern itself that the woman from whom i adopted nixe and farah taught sunday school at the francophone church in waltham i ended up taking first communion at after my father relented and only allowed me to go to classes as long as they weren't taught by nuns and for a limited time . she might very well have taught me.

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